Posted in Uncategorized

The imbalance of desires

I wish I could tell you in all seriousness that Mariah and I don’t fight. The truth is that we are human and we do fight. I am ashamed to say it, but we are both stubborn and we are both fighters. In a lot of ways, our persistence serves us well, but in some ways it can be a problem.

I guess you can probably figure out that Mariah and I got into a fight tonight.  Now that the devastation is done and I am past the overwhelming emotions, I can finally be more aware of what I have done. However, in the heat of the battle, I have a tremendous urge to speak out in an effort to be heard. The bad thing is that my emotions and feelings come out in a way that is anything but graceful. I can be an emotional vigilante. Mariah says I have apocalyptic thinking and I think she is right. 

Most of the time, I am a very simple and logical person. When my emotions reach the threshold, I become unable to resist the urge and end up destroying all of the peace and solitude. My emotions get so strong that I resort to being a child and act like my boys. For example, tonight they argued over who would go first. We decided to flip a coin to help us determine who would go first. As I started to flip the coin, they argued about who was going to be heads versus who was going to be tails.  It was heads and then they argued about what heads meant. As you can see, the fighting can be ridiculous and can really make you tremble.

My desire to get my way can be very similar. It can be ludicrous and it certainly was tonight. Unfortunately, just as I have many other times, I became self-centered and selfish. I let my emotions lead me. I allowed a stupid desire to get in the way of a much more important desire – the desire to make my wife’s heart full and happy. The end result is that I push Mariah a little further away and cause her to believe a little less in me. In other words, the next time I make an effort to fulfill her heart, she will be less likely to believe it. Plus, this isn’t the right example for our. Boys.

I would really like to find a way to recognize the next time this happens. I want to be Mariah’s protector and superhero, not her enemy. I also want to be the right example for our boys. If you know of any good methods, please be so kind to let me know so that I can figure out how to get this right for Mariah, our boys, and their future wives.

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